Disk Defrag

Pablo Picasso: Girl with a Boat -Ragazza con barca

So much going on over the past couple of weeks for me to blog about. If only you could see all my drafts, you’d know I at least tried – controversy over UWI expansion, ZR madness, countless bush fires, Cabinet reshuffle, Kartel & Movado, Obama & healthcare reform, KOLIJ Founders’ Week… yeah. But just not been having the presence of mind to write anything focused lately.

The obvious reason is the emotional energy my life has been requiring of late. It’s never been cut and dry, but this hodge-podge of events and its complementary combination of ensuing emotions is jarring me a little. I’m back home – yay!! I’m back home – nay!! So much going on, in all 3 zip codes of my life, but I can only be physically present in one. My mind & spirit feel the trisection intensely. I sometimes stare at the floor – the tiles become a projector screen for reliable eyes, trusted smiles. I even hear the laughter, the violins’ lift and the oboe’s sorrow, the trains’ screeches…

I don’t so much miss the place as I miss the security of knowing where to go, what to do, who to see and doing it alone, going it alone and feeling strong. Now I’m more often awash in numbing nostalgia than I am invigorated by the pulsating never-ending go-getting energies. These I now realize ironically formed a sacred cocoon around me. In its midst, I could be me, no questions asked. Now the queries crowd and I retreat, away from expectations but no closer to ‘me’. Somebody click ‘disk defrag’, please? I gotta figure this shit out.

“Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the earth.” Matthew 28:20b

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